she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
