Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
