I can text with my tongue
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
