Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
