Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
