She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
