I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
