Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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