Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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