there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
