Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
