From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
