I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
