I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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