took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
