My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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