There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
