Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
