i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize