blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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