Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
