god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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