I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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