I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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