I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
