Sacagawea was the original milf.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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