Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
