can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
