btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
