She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
