I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
