Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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