Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
