You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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