Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
