I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize