Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
