I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
