the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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