rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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