That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
