This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My vagina just recognized that song.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
