just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
