his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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