Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
