he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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