make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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