Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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