Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
