if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
