just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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