Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
