My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
