I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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