The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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