don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
