I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
