i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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