I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
