I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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