According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
