I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
