just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
