Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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