I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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