I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
