Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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