I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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